Burger King’s Halloween Whopper Will Make You Poop Green — Seriously

There’s a new Green Inferno, and it’s not Eli Roth’s new cannibal film.

A lot of people are probably going to wonder how in the hell someone could post the tale of a boy and their poop, but dammit, this is Halloween-related and what else would you expect from Mr. Bojangles himself?

As you all know, Burger King recently released their new Halloween Whopper burger that comes with black buns, which are “drenched” with A1 sauce. A lot of people can’t stomach the aesthetics of the new Halloween Whopper, but I was immediately interested. I’m a fan of Whoppers (even though you’ll belch them up for hours) and Halloween is my favorite time of the year, so it’s a win-win situation.


This is the picture I sent my girlfriend after unwrapping this bad boy. It’s a far-cry from those commercial that makes the burger look so neat. Either way, I was excited, but totally unprepared for the upcoming anal assault that would occur over the next couple of days.

So, what did my girlfriend say upon receiving my picture text? She said three things before I could even respond, actually:

My God.

Is it good?

You’re eating black dye.

I didn’t care, and I wasn’t about to let her spoil my good time, so I scarfed the burger down indiscriminately. Without a care in the world, the Halloween Whopper was soon swimming in a pit of hell known as my stomach. Little did I know that I hadn’t seen the last of this son of a bitch, for it was waiting ever so patiently — planning carefully its next move.

Welcome to the jungle.

marty cabin in the woodsThe next day I woke up like it was any other day, but nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see that day. For me, an idyllic afternoon poop became a nightmare.

After the massacre, you can imagine how surprised I was when my poop was green. Now, I’m not talking about those poops you take once in awhile that have a slight green hue to them, either. That shit (no pun intended) had nothing on this! We’re talking about funfetti green. We’re talking about play-doh green. We’re talking about grass green. We’re talking about Marty’s weed from Cabin in the Woods green!

To make it easier, I’ve changed Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo to the correct shade of green to project what I’m talking about here:

Mr Hankey The Christmas Poo

Yeah, this is no joke, kids. This was the stuff that dreams are made of. You know how stoked you get when you see a piece of corn in your poop or maybe even that piece of undigested bubble gum, and then you chuckle silently to yourself as you flush it away? Thats what this was like, only way more bad ass! It made me sad to flush the little ass blaster away and watch it do its little clockwise shuffle — almost as if it was waving goodbye to me as it went away to live with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the sewers below.

However, goodbye isn’t always forever, and that was the case with the attack of the green poo, as it reared its ugly head a couple more times after our initial encounter.

So, how can you counter-act the Halloween Whopper green poop syndrome?

I’ve come to determine that there’s no hope for humanity at this point. As you can see by my customized Mr. Hankey graphic above, this poop is a unique shade of green unlike anything you’ve ever seen squirm out of your asshole before. Therefore, there’s not really much we can do here.

hanes boxer briefsI’m proactive in my assault against poop, as I’ve become wise over the year and purchase black Hanes boxer briefs. Now, it’s not that I can’t properly wipe my ass, but if there is a breach in anal security and a turd decides to pop out and smooch the back of your undies, you’ll have thwarted its attack with some black undies. However, the green Halloween Whopper shits are smart — almost like they’re evolving to our techniques as humans.

There’s no need to be scared or panic here, folks, but I am saying that IF you have a bit of anal seepage, your significant other is going to clearly see the play-doh-like shit in the back of your undies and then they’re going to laugh at you.

Right now, there’s no known cure for the green Whopper shits, but we do have a team working on the case. As of right now, there has been no progress.

God help us all.

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