The Joke Thread

[Daylight Yet Unseen]

come in for a laugh!! post jokes!!!!

[Friday The 13th]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Friday The 13th]

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

[Friday The 13th]

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

[Friday The 13th]

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

[Friday The 13th]

You Must Be A Redneck If
* You recycle your own toilet paper

* Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad

* You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

* You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."

* Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."

* The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.

* Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.

* You hunt from your bedroom window.

* Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

* You refrigerate your food stamps.

* You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.

* You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.

* Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.

* You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.

* You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.

* You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.

* You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!

* The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"

* You take a beer to a job interview.

* You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.

* When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.

* You go to Goodwill to meet women.

* You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!

[Friday The 13th]

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.

But the hospital was in a real hurry to
get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"

Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"

The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."

[Friday The 13th]

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

[Friday The 13th]

I Love You
English..... I Love You
Spanish..... Te Amo
French...... Je T'aime
German...... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese.... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian..... Ti Amo

Redneck..... Nice Tits

[Friday The 13th]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Billy Bob, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Billy Bob answered, "but I don't think my Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but my Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Billy Bob thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my Pa is going to be real mad."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

"Under the wagon."

[Friday The 13th]

New Rooster
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.

So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town?

I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.

I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there.

We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy.

'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on.

After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens.

When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.

He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself.....

'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

[Friday The 13th]

One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.

His father said, 'Son, where are you going?'

The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.'

The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.'

But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.

Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.'

The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape.

The father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.'

The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!'

The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm.

The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!'

The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'

[Friday The 13th]

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.

They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.

Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.

And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

[Daylight Yet Unseen]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.

He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.

Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

[Friday The 13th]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.

He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.

Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

lmfao! good one!