Diving on the Twilight grenade

[TerrorScribe]

I've put it off as long as I could but now I have to actually nut up and do this. Since I'm reviewing Eclipse for the big site I review for, I've decided to watch Twilight and New Moon so I have some idea of what's going on in the third one. I've decided to call it, "Twilight: A Survivor's Story followed by a similarly titled piece for New Moon. I think I may try to go moment by idiot moment in each of these. However, my editor also told me that I have to keep it PG-13. In that case, I'm going to have... unexpurgated versions here and on my TerrorScribe site.

Wish me luck.

[TerrorScribe]

And so, it begins...

“I'd never given much thought to how I would die.”

That’s the opening line from ‘Twilight’, the first movie in the eponymous series. If that sounds like you, well, you’re probably like most of us making their way through this thing we call life. However, if you go up to a horror fan and tell them that any bit of the “Twilight” saga is a horror movie, chances are you won’t get a chance to think about it any further. Odds are that they will plan it for you.

It will be messy.
It will be painful.
Most likely, it will not be over any time soon.

[Bojangles]

Good luck, Terrorscribe. I look forward to reading your opinions.

[TerrorScribe]

And now, the final edit:

“I’d never given much thought to how I would die.”

That’s the opening line from ‘Twilight’, the first movie in the eponymous series. If that sounds like you, well, you’re probably like most of us making their way through this thing we call life. However, if you go up to a horror fan and tell them that any bit of the “Twilight” saga is a horror movie, there’s a very good chance that you won’t get to think about it any further. In fact, chances are that they will probably plan it for you.

It will be messy.
It will be painful.
Most likely, it will not be over any time soon.

It’s a harsh fact but when you constantly hear this ridiculous notion that “Twilight” is a horror movie, it’s not unreasonable to assume that it might just rankle a few of the gentle souls in the horror community. As a good horror fan myself, I’d never watched the movie. I’d written it off as nonsensical tween pabulum… and you know what? I was right. “Twilight” is to horror what a cherry coke is to a Jäger-bomb: they may both be liquid and come in a glass but the similarities end there.

The movie opens with a morose droning monologue delivered by the series’ heroine, Bella. Thirty-nine seconds in and I’d already decided I didn’t like her. Her words and her tone already tell me she is someone with everything to die for, but nothing to live for. And for most of the movie, she goes on to prove that point. She doesn’t even seem to she have time for friends. At her new school (she’s transplanted to the Washington state from Arizona), she comes off aloof and humorless and, for whatever reason, the Stepford Kids there just seem to eat it up, swarming around her, fighting for her attention or possibly just any response at all. It almost seems that this is some vastly stylized wish-fantasy of how either screenwriter, Melissa Rosenberg, or author Stephanie Meyers wanted high school to be. That in some alternate bizarro dimension, the socially awkward are not only embraced, but are also sought after by the popular kids. In the real world, however, the unfortunate truth is that people like Bella are at best ignored and at worst tormented to suicide.

Then, as if all of this wasn’t already tough enough to swallow, enter the Cullens. They drift through the lunchroom like earthbound angels: very pretty, very pale, very disturbing. The kids at school already know there’s something different – and inherently wrong with them. We as the audience should know there’s something wrong with them too. Exhibit A is Edward’s relationship with Bella. OK, I can dig that they look like teenagers so hiding in plain sight is probably a good strategy. But c’mon… Edward is supposed to be over 100 years old.

One hundred years old.
Five score years.
One century.
490 dog years.

I’m not even half that and if I made woo-woo eyes at a seventeen year old, they’d be serving my testicles with a side of penis slaw slow roasted in pain sauce. He’s over 100, but just because he looks like a kid, it’s OK. I’d like to own up to wanting a gig like that, but quite honestly, I enjoy my junk exactly where it is. Additionally, who in their right mind thinks, “Y’know, I’m old enough to be her great-great grandfather, but I think she’s the one for me.”

The movie plods on awkwardly, giving ample opportunity for Edward to vacillate on whether or not he wants to be with Bella, and with her just being batshit crazy. How crazy? She handles Edward being a blood sucking, murdering vampire easier than she does moving to a new school. What the fuck? Before too long, it ventures out from the awkward to the ridiculous, but never forgetting its insipid roots. And to call the ending predictable would be, in fact, predictable.

So, what about the horror elements? Well, there are vampires and werewolves. That’s about it. It’s not scary. It’s not bloody. There’s nothing particularly horrific about it – unless you consider the fact that these movies are making a butt-load of money. Just because the pool has water in it doesn’t make it the ocean. It is, however, fantasy. Boy howdy, is it ever! If anything, “Twilight” is closer in spirit to Harry Potter than any horror movie. But where the relationships in Harry Potter are reasonably realistic – and even believably flawed – “Twilight” presents us with relationships that are improbable, unbelievable and unhealthy on multiple levels. I heard someone compare Bella and Edward’s relationship to Romeo and Juliet. As ill-fated as that relationship was, it was still in far better shape than what’s going on it “Twilight”. The tale of Shakespeare’s lovers endures because it speaks to us at a nigh-archetypical level. Yes, there are problems with it that could be considered vaguely similar, but at no time does Romeo ever threaten to eat Juliet. Edward and Bella’s relationship seems to be born out of compulsion and obsession and really, stupidity. Most of us have the odd bad boy or bad girl in our lives that hopefully we have sense enough to know to avoid. Those situations rarely end well and certainly never leave people saying, “Oh, how romantic.” Usually, those conversation end with, “Do you think they’ll respect the restraining order?” Bella however just doesn’t possess that kind of sense. Edward is pretty and that’s what she wants – everything else be damned. At first, I thought that Bella had nothing to live for, but I think the more accurate statement is that she is too stupid to live. The same could probably be said for the people who keep turning out for this schlock.

Next up, what stupidity awaits under the “New Moon”.

[TerrorScribe]

Anyone? Anyone?

Beuller?
Beuller?

[Dr. Briggs]

Anyone? Anyone?

Beuller?
Beuller?

What's more to say? You were forced into the review and you did a solid+ job. Though you only outline a few of the baser oriented annoyances of the series, I'm sure as you go through the films there's going to be a veritable onslaught of topics to cover and I wish you luck in having to get through all that ...again XP

My favorite part of this review would have to be your calling attention to Bella's misplaced priorities regarding the stress of going to a new school versus the stress of having a bloodthirsty supernatural creature for a boyfriend .

[TerrorScribe]

Very true. What was I thinking? =\

...

Egads! Twilight's already eaten my brain!!! :-o

[showmenzunrest]

FUCK TWILIGHT!!! TRUE BLOOD IS WHERE IT'Z @!!! RECOGNIZE!!!

:batt:

[Dr. Briggs]

I have faith in you, 'Scribe; as I've said you've got through it or similar before, you can take it again before the movies run out

[CarolinePar]

"and the truth shall set you free..."

[TerrorScribe]

Though you only outline a few of the baser oriented annoyances of the series, I'm sure as you go through the films there's going to be a veritable onslaught of topics to cover and I wish you luck in having to get through all that ...again XP

I originally wanted to chronicle every stupid thing I came across as I watched it. But when I was hitting 500 words barely five minutes in, I decided to go with a more conventional approach.

[TerrorScribe]

[SIZE="3"]And now, "New Moon"[/SIZE]

“These violent delights have violent ends. And in their triumph die, like fire and powder. Which, as they kiss, consume.”
Bella first words in “New Moon”.

“Second verse same as the first.”
“Henry the Eighth” by Herman’s Hermits, what Bella should have said.

I’ve been asked by more than a few people why, as someone who covers the horror genre, am I reviewing any of the Twilight movies since they obviously aren’t horror movies. I ask myself the same thing when watching these movies. I said it before I started watching them that reviewing any of the Twilight films as a horror movie is tantamount to kicking a crippled kid down a flight of stairs. Still, either through accident or intent, the Twilight series keeps insinuating itself into the horror fold, like a little brother trying to tag along with his older brother.

But more on this later.

Bella’s starting to worry about getting older – despite the fact that even though she’s one year physically older than her boyfriend she’s still 91 years younger than he is. At her birthday party at the Cullen house, Bella gets a paper cut and is almost set upon by one of the other friendly neighborhood vampires. This, of course, is OK with Bella because it’s just one of those things you have to accept when you’re dating someone who could just as easily consider you a snack as he could a girlfriend. Edward, given a chance to wimble again, decides it would be best – if not a little safer – for Bella if he and his clan just packed it in and went away. And so they go and Bella drops into a months-long funk. She’s pulled out of it though by re-enacting a moment when she was going to be, most likely, gang-raped because it allowed her to “see” Edward. She decides the next day that she needs more life-threatening activities so she grabs two junker motorcycles and goes over to her childhood friend and coincidental gearhead, Jacob to help her put them back together. If it wasn’t obvious enough from the first movie, Jacob has the hot bananas for Bella – but then what guy in her town doesn’t – and before too long, Bella is happy (or rather, happy for her, comparatively speaking) spending time with Jacob. But things don’t stay happy for too long as Edward’s world comes crashing in again.

I’ll leave it there because I don’t want to bore you with the rest of the story. No, really, the story is really pretty boring. And let’s not forget stupid. A friend of mine told me that the story and relationships in it don’t make sense because it’s fantasy and doesn’t have to makes sense. However, I beg to differ on this point. The story setting — unless the story takes place in Wackyland — does not relieve the characters of behaving in a believable fashion. For the second straight movie, Bella is the emo monster stalker of Forks, Washington, not content unless she can have her pretty playthings, whether that is Edward or Jacob. And she would just as soon die as not get her way or what she wants but that’s OK because it’s terribly tragic and romantic – especially since “New Moon” tries so desperately to make itself out to be some modern retelling of Romeo and Juliet.

How desperately you ask? Well, you can’t swing a dead scene girl in this movie without hitting a loose copy of Romeo and Juliet lying about or happen on a classroom discussion of the Bard’s star-cross’d lovers. The thing is that good storytellers can evoke other tales without having to hold up a copy and virtually shouting, “LOOK! We’re just like this!” Take, for instance, Vincenzo Natali’s “Splice”. It was easily evocative of Mary Shelly’s “Frankenstein”, but never once felt like it had to show a scene from the 1931 classic or put bolts in Dren’s neck.

A hack has to tell you what it’s trying to do.
Just sayin’.

And with “Eclipse”, the third installment of the series, coming out tonight, more hackery is almost guaranteed. To borrow from The Bard myself, a rose by any other name – if that rose be a Twilight movie – would still stink up the joint.

[TerrorScribe]

Eclipse in short: it's a big bag of meh. Still not a horror movie. Still no surprise. The brutal murder of Bella (pick a method) could save the series.

[Daylight Yet Unseen]

isn't Eclipse the one where Edward turns Bella into a vampire?

[TerrorScribe]

No. Apparently that's going to be in the next movie.

This is the movie where Bella mercilessly teases Edward, vacillates between him and Jacob and is then put into mortal danger by other vampires. :reading:

[mrblue]

Somebody should just go back in time and make sure stephanie myers was never born.

[FreddysFingers]

Or just brutally deprive her from expressing her emotions and opinions and taking away her ability to lift a pencil.

[TerrorScribe]

[SIZE="4"]And lastly, "Eclipse"...[/SIZE]

So, how did we get here?

Let’s track back a few months to the Big Gold Statue Watching Party. TerrorScribes like me are generally not allowed anywhere near polite company so I was relegated to working sound in the projection booth. All in all, it wasn’t a bad gig and I was able to jack into someone’s WiFi and chat with people about the broadcast. It was all pretty mellow until they got to the part of the show where they did a tribute to horror movies.

Then, shit got real.

Instead of having genre legend, Roger Corman – who happened to be sitting in the front row – introduce the segment, “Twilight” stars Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner shamble out to and present the tribute that included clips from “Twilight”. Now, even the most addled horror fan – or movie fan for that matter – will tell you that the Twilight series is NOT horror. Still, the studio tries to marry it to the genre despite the fact that it bares almost no resemblance to its genre pseudo-brethren. And that’s how we got here... or at least me.

Now, for the past two weeks I’ve been kicking the first two movies in the series and this week marks the release of “Eclipse”, the latest installment in the Twilight series. It’s almost redundant to say that it fails as a horror movie. The only people who will find this scary are children younger than eight or pedophilic middle-aged women who hate seeing their favorite piece of eye candy get hurt. The most graphic wound you get to see is a very seriously pricked finger, though Bella does cut her arm in a way that is discreetly covered but still bleeds profusely. Way to save that PG-13!

As for sex – you wish.

Though, once you get away from judging it as a horror movie, “Eclipse” is a slightly better film than its two predecessors, but that’s not saying a whole lot. In the very least, it is inoffensive. Director David Slade (“30 Days of Night”, I think, has a more stylized touch than Catherine Hardwicke or Chris Weitz but somehow it feels a bit wasted on a film that is essentially like a comic book filled with talking heads. And since the dialogue is a mostly rehash of things we’ve heard from the first two movies, tedium sets in quickly.

“Eclipse”, so you don’t get it confused with its siblings is the movie where Bella teases Edward mercilessly, can’t decided between him and Jacob, is sullen and bratty and then, is placed in mortal danger by other vampires. I hope that cleared things up.

One positive thing though – I thought there were flashes where Bella actually seemed like a human being and not some brooding bat-shit crazy automaton: props to Kristen Stewart for that. In fact, there was a noticeable addition of humanity to the characters. After suffering through the plaster cast façade performances in “Twilight” and “New Moon”, I found the change refreshing. I also enjoyed the look into the past of some of the other characters and also getting a glimpse of the werewolf clan’s history. I found the strength of these two elements easily raised “Eclipse” above it the previous movies, but dammit, there just wasn’t enough of it. Just when we got interesting little character tidbits, we had to go back to Bella and Edward or Bella and Jacob or Bella and Alice or Bella and someone just to remind us that this movie is centered around a monumentally flawed character. Or rather one that’s not flawed enough seeing how not a one of the other characters stands up to her and says, “No.” From mere mortal dad to supernatural creatures who are at least a century old, eighteen year old Bella apparently knows what’s best and can do no wrong and so everyone else is just left to suck up to her. Additionally, of all the characters in the series, she is the only one who experiences no positive growth. Bella’s journey as a human is stuck in neutral while the rest of the characters mature around her.

“Eclipse” plays out yet another tired refrain of “Twilight” nonsensical tune. It is a tale of sound and fury, signifying stupid. I guess I should find solace in the fact that there are only two of these left and that maybe by then, the studio execs will stop trying to stuff this into my favorite genre.

[Uberjerk1989]

lets just admit that we hated twilight but the morbid fascination gets the better of us plus Ashley Greene is fine as fuck,seriously her vagina would have to check in2 a womens refuge after the shagging i would give her

[TerrorScribe]

Ashley Greene is pretty hot but I have no morbid curiosity for the series - just righteous indignation. :eg: