(Adult) Santa Jokes

[Friday The 13th]

[SIZE="5"] Santa’s Bad Day[/SIZE]

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready
for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got
sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then
Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa
even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went
into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the
kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw
end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He
opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

[Friday The 13th]

[SIZE="5"]Assorted X-mas One-Liners[/SIZE]

1. A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: “Anyone want to buy a
present?”
2. Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa
looked around for a moment, then hollered “No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT
house!”
3. I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!
4. I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls
live.
5. No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for
themselves.
6. No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore
Santa exists!!
7. The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in
Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
8. Q: Do you know why Santa dosen’t have any children ??? A: he only comes
once a year and thats down a chimney …
9. Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty
girls live.
10. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
11. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf
esteem.
12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
13. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes
for Christmas.

[Friday The 13th]

[SIZE="5"]WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN[/SIZE]

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ’sell by’ date.
9. You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

[Friday The 13th]

[SIZE="5"]10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren’t[/SIZE]

* 10. Did you get any under the tree?
* 9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
* 8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!
* 7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
* 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
* 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
* 4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
* 3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
* 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
* 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

[Friday The 13th]

[SIZE="5"]Tragedy begets comedy[/SIZE]

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at
the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something “Christmassy”.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent
Christmas?”

The third man answered “They’re Carol’s.”